1. Generosity & Service
Kids need to learn that not everyone has what they have. They also need to learn to have generous and giving spirits. Every year, my family makes up a box or two for Operation Christmas Child. My family enjoys choosing to shop for a boy or a girl in a given age-range and filling the box with small toys, toiletries, school supplies, candy and other fun things. There are many different opportunities for giving (particularly around the holidays) from Toys For Tots, to “Adopt A Family” programs, to sponsoring a child in a foreign country. Charitable programs involving needy children are more engaging for kids because they can relate to the child. Whatever type of charity you choose, talk about it with your kids. Explain how not everyone has toys and new clothes and enough to eat. Involve them in buying the gift or collecting and sending the money.
Kids also need to learn to DO things for the benefit of others. Even something as simple as sweeping the kitchen floor or vacuuming is an act of service, because the whole family benefits from a clean house. As children get older, you can involve them in other types of service: raking leaves for an elderly neighbor, serving a meal at the local soup kitchen, or a random act of kindness. These types of activities teach kids empathy and help them to see that the world does not revolve around them. They also learn to appreciate the time and effort it takes when someone does something for them.
2. Gratitude
Teaching kids to be generous and service-oriented will help them learn to be grateful. Additionally, it is ok to tell your kids “no” when they want something. Those frequent treats can be taken for granted, and children who always get what they want when they want it do not learn to appreciate and be grateful for what they have. When my daughter asks for something that she doesn’t need, I often tell her to put it on her Christmas/ Birthday wish list (or to save her own money). This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever buy her treats “just because,” but when I do, she appreciates it much more. Also, I try to always have my daughter write “thank you” notes for gifts she receives (we are far from perfect in this area.)
3. Kindness & Respect
This has been a tricky one for us as my daughter has entered middle school. It seems that every day brings fresh drama and new nastiness from kids at school. I always tell my daughter that she does not have to like everyone or be friends with everyone, but she ought to be respectful and kind to everyone. Little children need to be reminded to use “kind words” when speaking to others. Kids of all ages should be taught the importance of good manners, whether it is “please and thank you,” opening the door for someone, giving up a seat, or a random act of kindness.
4. Responsibility
Kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves and their choices. Responsibility means having daily/ weekly expectations and chores. Of course, being responsible at age three and being responsible at age sixteen look very different, but all children need to have some expectation of responsibility. Another important piece is teaching your child to be responsible for their actions. Children need to learn that their choices have consequences—both positive and negative. My husband and I don’t allow our children to make excuses for poor decisions or bad behavior. We talk about the choice they made, the resulting consequences, and what they could have done differently (if need be).
5. Hard Work & Diligence
Make your kids earn and spend their own money. My daughter’s allowance is based upon the successful completion of her daily/ weekly chores. She has the opportunity to earn money (or not) and then may spend it how she pleases (within reason). In this way she is learning the importance of work and the value of money. We buy all her necessities, but if she wants extra things, she must save her money and buy it herself. Similarly, don’t automatically rescue your child from failure and struggle. It is good for kids to struggle with age and ability-appropriate tasks, from homework to sports to household tasks to finding a misplaced toy.
6. Patience
In our modern culture of high speed and instant gratification, it is difficult to teach children to be patient. All too often kids want to give up if something does not come easily or quickly. As apparent, you do not need to respond to your child’s every request the moment they ask. Children can, and should, learn to wait until mom and dad are off the phone, out of the bathroom, done talking, finished eating, etc. before having their need met. The next time your child requests something while you are busy with something else, calmly explain that you are in the middle of something and they need to wait until you are finished (use discretion). Another way to teach patience is to simply slow down. Our schedules are full, our minds are racing. Moving at this frenetic pace is not always healthy. Try eliminating some busyness from yours and your child’s schedule and replace it with a family game night or daily quiet time. Have your kids “unplug” and turn off the TV, video games, or other electronics in favor of playing outside, reading a book, or doing a craft. Encourage your children to have hobbies that develop patience and delayed gratification like baking, sewing, building models, collecting items, or making crafts. These types of hobbies will also teach life skills and develop attention span.
7. Honesty
This virtue is difficult to teach but, I think, extremely important. It is important to differentiate between making a poor choice (disobeying, not completing a chore, late homework) and lying to cover up that poor choice. Children certainly need consequences for misbehavior, but they should have additional consequences of greater severity for being dishonest. If you discover your child has been dishonest, give them an opportunity to come clean and receive a lesser penalty. Likewise, if your child is honest about something praise them or reward them if appropriate. For older children and teenagers, explain to them that trust and freedom go hand in hand. If my daughter is dishonest, she always receives a harsher consequence, usually in the form of lost privileges. If she is consistently honest and trustworthy I thank her for being honest and extend her privileges. I always explain that she has earned additional freedom by being trustworthy.
For each of these character traits, and any others you wish to help your children develop, the most important part is to model them yourself. Your children will not learn to be generous or compassionate unless they see you giving to others and demonstrating compassion and kindness. They will not learn to be patient if you do not show them how by being patient yourself. They certainly will not learn to be honest if they witness you telling “little white lies.” You can’t tell your children, “Do as I say, not as I do,” and expect positive results.
