Smartphones Are the Devil: Five Reasons Why My Teen Won't Have One

Don’t get me wrong, I love my iPhone. Its magical apps allow me to constantly update my Facebook status, Tweet whenever I feel the urge, and play endless hours of Words With Friends. But it is a little soul sucking at times. I have to consciously remind myself not to bring my phone to the dinner table, put it down to greet my husband, turn the ringer off and engage in life with my family. I know, I’m a terrible person. That is why when my thirteen-year-old asks when she can get a smartphone, I hypocritically, and unabashedly, tell her, “No way, Jose!”

There are many practical reasons why I don’t want my daughter to have a smartphone: she’ll break it, she already has a perfectly good phone that she never answers, she’ll break it, data plans are expensive, she’ll lose it, she’ll break it. But those aren’t the only reasons I don’t want her to have a smartphone.

1. Unlimited Access to the Internet is Dangerous

The rule at my house is my kids can only access the internet in common areas. They do not have computers in their rooms—nor will they ever—and they are not allowed to take the laptop into their rooms. Why? Mind-numbingly stupid YouTube videos, social media (see below), pornographic pictures and videos, explicit music, games that will crash my hard-drive, and sexual predators waiting for any opportunity. Why would I give my kids pocket-sized access to the internet that they can take with them anywhere. Let’s be honest. Teenagers are not the best at using common sense and good judgment. They are curious, clueless, impulsive, and insecure. Yes, I know there are safeguards and restrictions you can put on your kids’ phones but, to me, it just isn’t worth the risk.

2. Social Media Reinforces Poor Boundaries

I enjoy Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person, but I grew up in a different age. I can remember the time before the internet, social media, status updates, and selfies. I have the wisdom and common sense to discern what should and should not be posted. Too many kids, and even young adults, today have ATROCIOUS interpersonal boundaries. They post selfies in compromising or illegal situations, rant about their bosses, air their dirty laundry, and otherwise TMI. There is no sense that some things ought not to be public; some things ought to be sacred. They don’t seem to grasp the concept that what they put out on social media can negatively impact their reputations, their relationships, their careers, and their lives. This tendency towards over-sharing even carries over into the actual world. As a teacher, I was astounded by what teenagers will share in front of the entire class without batting an eyelash.

3. Texting is Destroying Communication

Yes, I realize that not only smartphones are capable of texting, but they do seem to exacerbate the problem. Texting, while highly convenient, is a non-committal form of communication. With texting, you can avoid having to actually talk to someone (therein lies the appeal). Teenagers today are losing the ability to have a normal conversation. Texting encourages one way communication (I call it monologuing), superficiality and misunderstanding (no facial expressions or voice intonations to read), poor grammar, poor spelling, and poor vocabulary (everything is said in the shortest words or abbreviations possible). I even hear kids talk to each other in text-speak. They actually say “lol” and “btw.” WTF!

4. Technology Accustoms Teens to Instant Gratification

All technology, from dishwashers to microwaves to smartphones makes our lives easier. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, too much convenience can make us impatient and overly-reliant on technology. Too many people cannot cook without a microwave or navigate without a phone. We come to expect our needs and wants to be met immediately, and with little effort on our parts. Teenagers, who are just learning important life skills, need practice in the art of problem-solving and patience.

5. Games and Apps Rot Your Brain

Constant electronic input leads to brains that are overstimulated and hard-wired for poor attention. It used to be that when someone had to sit in a waiting room, take a long car ride, or otherwise be idle, they found ways to entertain themselves that did not involve electronics. People used to engage in conversation about meaningful topics, face to face. People used to read actual books or magazines. People used to just sit quietly and think. Not anymore, now they’re playing Candy Crush Saga and watching YouTube.

Good Character: Seven Traits to Teach Your Kids

As the parent, I have often wondered how to instill good character in my children. I must confess, I still am not sure I have any idea what I am doing. There are days when I think that nothing is sinking in, but then, there are those brief shining moments. . . Here are a few ideas for how to develop positive character in your kids.

1. Generosity & Service
Kids need to learn that not everyone has what they have. They also need to learn to have generous and giving spirits. Every year, my family makes up a box or two for Operation Christmas Child. My family enjoys choosing to shop for a boy or a girl in a given age-range and filling the box with small toys, toiletries, school supplies, candy and other fun things. There are many different opportunities for giving (particularly around the holidays) from Toys For Tots, to “Adopt A Family” programs, to sponsoring a child in a foreign country. Charitable programs involving needy children are more engaging for kids because they can relate to the child. Whatever type of charity you choose, talk about it with your kids. Explain how not everyone has toys and new clothes and enough to eat. Involve them in buying the gift or collecting and sending the money.

Kids also need to learn to DO things for the benefit of others. Even something as simple as sweeping the kitchen floor or vacuuming is an act of service, because the whole family benefits from a clean house. As children get older, you can involve them in other types of service: raking leaves for an elderly neighbor, serving a meal at the local soup kitchen, or a random act of kindness. These types of activities teach kids empathy and help them to see that the world does not revolve around them. They also learn to appreciate the time and effort it takes when someone does something for them.

2. Gratitude
Teaching kids to be generous and service-oriented will help them learn to be grateful. Additionally, it is ok to tell your kids “no” when they want something. Those frequent treats can be taken for granted, and children who always get what they want when they want it do not learn to appreciate and be grateful for what they have. When my daughter asks for something that she doesn’t need, I often tell her to put it on her Christmas/ Birthday wish list (or to save her own money). This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever buy her treats “just because,” but when I do, she appreciates it much more. Also, I try to always have my daughter write “thank you” notes for gifts she receives (we are far from perfect in this area.)

3. Kindness & Respect
This has been a tricky one for us as my daughter has entered middle school. It seems that every day brings fresh drama and new nastiness from kids at school. I always tell my daughter that she does not have to like everyone or be friends with everyone, but she ought to be respectful and kind to everyone. Little children need to be reminded to use “kind words” when speaking to others. Kids of all ages should be taught the importance of good manners, whether it is “please and thank you,” opening the door for someone, giving up a seat, or a random act of kindness.

4. Responsibility
Kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves and their choices. Responsibility means having daily/ weekly expectations and chores. Of course, being responsible at age three and being responsible at age sixteen look very different, but all children need to have some expectation of responsibility. Another important piece is teaching your child to be responsible for their actions. Children need to learn that their choices have consequences—both positive and negative. My husband and I don’t allow our children to make excuses for poor decisions or bad behavior. We talk about the choice they made, the resulting consequences, and what they could have done differently (if need be).

5. Hard Work & Diligence
Make your kids earn and spend their own money. My daughter’s allowance is based upon the successful completion of her daily/ weekly chores. She has the opportunity to earn money (or not) and then may spend it how she pleases (within reason). In this way she is learning the importance of work and the value of money. We buy all her necessities, but if she wants extra things, she must save her money and buy it herself. Similarly, don’t automatically rescue your child from failure and struggle. It is good for kids to struggle with age and ability-appropriate tasks, from homework to sports to household tasks to finding a misplaced toy.

6. Patience 
In our modern culture of high speed and instant gratification, it is difficult to teach children to be patient. All too often kids want to give up if something does not come easily or quickly. As apparent, you do not need to respond to your child’s every request the moment they ask. Children can, and should, learn to wait until mom and dad are off the phone, out of the bathroom, done talking, finished eating, etc. before having their need met. The next time your child requests something while you are busy with something else, calmly explain that you are in the middle of something and they need to wait until you are finished (use discretion).  Another way to teach patience is to simply slow down. Our schedules are full, our minds are racing. Moving at this frenetic pace is not always healthy. Try eliminating some busyness from yours and your child’s schedule and replace it with a family game night or daily quiet time. Have your kids “unplug” and turn off the TV, video games, or other electronics in favor of playing outside, reading a book, or doing a craft. Encourage your children to have hobbies that develop patience and delayed gratification like baking, sewing, building models, collecting items, or making crafts. These types of hobbies will also teach life skills and develop attention span.

7. Honesty
This virtue is difficult to teach but, I think, extremely important. It is important to differentiate between making a poor choice (disobeying, not completing a chore, late homework) and lying to cover up that poor choice. Children certainly need consequences for misbehavior, but they should have additional consequences of greater severity for being dishonest. If you discover your child has been dishonest, give them an opportunity to come clean and receive a lesser penalty. Likewise, if your child is honest about something praise them or reward them if appropriate. For older children and teenagers, explain to them that trust and freedom go hand in hand. If my daughter is dishonest, she always receives a harsher consequence, usually in the form of lost privileges. If she is consistently honest and trustworthy I thank her for being honest and extend her privileges. I always explain that she has earned additional freedom by being trustworthy.

For each of these character traits, and any others you wish to help your children develop, the most important part is to model them yourself. Your children will not learn to be generous or compassionate unless they see you giving to others and demonstrating compassion and kindness. They will not learn to be patient if you do not show them how by being patient yourself. They certainly will not learn to be honest if they witness you telling “little white lies.” You can’t tell your children, “Do as I say, not as I do,” and expect positive results.

7 Things Parents Do That Drive Teachers Crazy

As a junior high teacher, I have had the opportunity to interact with hundreds of parents. Most parents are wonderful, intelligent, and a pleasure to work with. Some, on the other hand, do things that are counterproductive and even harmful. Here are seven things parents do that drive teachers crazy.

1. Not returning our phone calls or emails.

I have 150 students. I promise, I will not call you or email you unless I need to. If I am attempting to communicate with you it is either because I am concerned with your child’s academic performance, or I am concerned with their behavior. Not only do I want to make you aware of the situation, I also want your input. Students perform and behave better in school when they know that teachers and parents are on the same page and are supporting each other.

2. Not attending conferences.

I realize that not everyone is able to make it to conferences. If you are working or out of town or have a bunch of little kids and no babysitter, you get a pass. Everyone else, take an hour out of your day once or twice a year and go to your kids’ conferences. This lets your kid know that you value their education and how they are doing in school. It helps me feel comfortable communicating with you, and gives me an opportunity to discuss things that may not have warranted an individual phone call, but are still worth discussing. It gives you a chance to see where your kid spends the majority of their time and put a face with the name you may be hearing a lot.

3. Not checking your kid’s grades online.

C’mon, it’s not that hard. I’m not saying you have to check every day, but once a week or a couple times a month, log in to your school’s online grade system and see you how your kid is doing. Most systems can even be set up to send you weekly emails. Again, I have 150 students. I have to prioritize which parents get called. It’s triage, really. I can’t call every parent about every missing assignment and every low test score. I call the parents of the kids who are failing or who have a “D,” or who have a significant amount of missing work. That means that I may not get around to calling you until your kid has fallen substantially behind. If you are checking their grades regularly, you can intervene before a little concern becomes a big problem.

4. Belittling school, education, or us.

I know not everyone values education in the exact same way. For some families it is a number one priority, for others it is barely on the radar. I know you may or may not be thrilled with me as a teacher. However, when you speak poorly about school, education, or my teaching qualifications, you invite your kid to do the same. Most junior high and high school students can’t wait for an opportunity to gripe about stupid school and their mean teachers. When you allow this and, worse, encourage it by doing it yourself, you are setting your kid up for trouble. Undermining the teacher gives kids permission to disregard what the teacher says or requires. Demeaning education does not encourage your child to do their best.  I think we can all agree that having a good education will benefit your child in the long run. Why give them a reason not to achieve?

5. Being a “Helicopter” Parent.

I know that you love your child and that their academic success is important to you. I know that you like being involved in your child’s life. Relax. You don’t need to email or call me every single time your kid forgets to turn something in or gets a “B” on a test. Let them take a little responsibility and learn to advocate for themselves. They will never learn to do it on their own if you are always getting involved. Save the phone calls and emails for the really important stuff.

6. Going to the principal without talking to us first.

You may not appreciate my teaching style. You may not understand why your kid got a “C” instead of a “B.” You may not think it was fair that I gave your child detention. Please. Talk. To. Me. First. There is nothing more embarrassing than having my principal approach me to talk about a parental concern and I have no idea what he is talking about. Most of the time, we will be able to work out our differences on our own. Most of the time it will have been a simple misunderstanding (or misrepresentation) that is causing you concern. If, after talking to me, you still feel unresolved, by all means talk to my principal. But please do me the courtesy of coming to me first.

7. Making excuses for your kid.

This is my number one frustration with teaching—parents who make excuses for their kids. Yes, I realize that there may be very legitimate explanations for kids’ struggles in the classroom. However, if you are always providing an excuse for why your child cannot turn in their assignments on time, study for tests, stay in their seat, be respectful, or tell the truth, then we have a problem. Your kid needs to learn to be responsible for himself. If you are always relieving them of responsibility, they will never learn to be accountable for their actions; they will always think that the rules don’t apply to them. In the real world, the police don’t care why you were speeding, your landlord doesn’t care why you can’t pay rent, and your boss doesn’t care why you were late.