Smartphones Are the Devil: Five Reasons Why My Teen Won't Have One

Don’t get me wrong, I love my iPhone. Its magical apps allow me to constantly update my Facebook status, Tweet whenever I feel the urge, and play endless hours of Words With Friends. But it is a little soul sucking at times. I have to consciously remind myself not to bring my phone to the dinner table, put it down to greet my husband, turn the ringer off and engage in life with my family. I know, I’m a terrible person. That is why when my thirteen-year-old asks when she can get a smartphone, I hypocritically, and unabashedly, tell her, “No way, Jose!”

There are many practical reasons why I don’t want my daughter to have a smartphone: she’ll break it, she already has a perfectly good phone that she never answers, she’ll break it, data plans are expensive, she’ll lose it, she’ll break it. But those aren’t the only reasons I don’t want her to have a smartphone.

1. Unlimited Access to the Internet is Dangerous

The rule at my house is my kids can only access the internet in common areas. They do not have computers in their rooms—nor will they ever—and they are not allowed to take the laptop into their rooms. Why? Mind-numbingly stupid YouTube videos, social media (see below), pornographic pictures and videos, explicit music, games that will crash my hard-drive, and sexual predators waiting for any opportunity. Why would I give my kids pocket-sized access to the internet that they can take with them anywhere. Let’s be honest. Teenagers are not the best at using common sense and good judgment. They are curious, clueless, impulsive, and insecure. Yes, I know there are safeguards and restrictions you can put on your kids’ phones but, to me, it just isn’t worth the risk.

2. Social Media Reinforces Poor Boundaries

I enjoy Facebook and Twitter as much as the next person, but I grew up in a different age. I can remember the time before the internet, social media, status updates, and selfies. I have the wisdom and common sense to discern what should and should not be posted. Too many kids, and even young adults, today have ATROCIOUS interpersonal boundaries. They post selfies in compromising or illegal situations, rant about their bosses, air their dirty laundry, and otherwise TMI. There is no sense that some things ought not to be public; some things ought to be sacred. They don’t seem to grasp the concept that what they put out on social media can negatively impact their reputations, their relationships, their careers, and their lives. This tendency towards over-sharing even carries over into the actual world. As a teacher, I was astounded by what teenagers will share in front of the entire class without batting an eyelash.

3. Texting is Destroying Communication

Yes, I realize that not only smartphones are capable of texting, but they do seem to exacerbate the problem. Texting, while highly convenient, is a non-committal form of communication. With texting, you can avoid having to actually talk to someone (therein lies the appeal). Teenagers today are losing the ability to have a normal conversation. Texting encourages one way communication (I call it monologuing), superficiality and misunderstanding (no facial expressions or voice intonations to read), poor grammar, poor spelling, and poor vocabulary (everything is said in the shortest words or abbreviations possible). I even hear kids talk to each other in text-speak. They actually say “lol” and “btw.” WTF!

4. Technology Accustoms Teens to Instant Gratification

All technology, from dishwashers to microwaves to smartphones makes our lives easier. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, too much convenience can make us impatient and overly-reliant on technology. Too many people cannot cook without a microwave or navigate without a phone. We come to expect our needs and wants to be met immediately, and with little effort on our parts. Teenagers, who are just learning important life skills, need practice in the art of problem-solving and patience.

5. Games and Apps Rot Your Brain

Constant electronic input leads to brains that are overstimulated and hard-wired for poor attention. It used to be that when someone had to sit in a waiting room, take a long car ride, or otherwise be idle, they found ways to entertain themselves that did not involve electronics. People used to engage in conversation about meaningful topics, face to face. People used to read actual books or magazines. People used to just sit quietly and think. Not anymore, now they’re playing Candy Crush Saga and watching YouTube.

Good Character: Seven Traits to Teach Your Kids

As the parent, I have often wondered how to instill good character in my children. I must confess, I still am not sure I have any idea what I am doing. There are days when I think that nothing is sinking in, but then, there are those brief shining moments. . . Here are a few ideas for how to develop positive character in your kids.

1. Generosity & Service
Kids need to learn that not everyone has what they have. They also need to learn to have generous and giving spirits. Every year, my family makes up a box or two for Operation Christmas Child. My family enjoys choosing to shop for a boy or a girl in a given age-range and filling the box with small toys, toiletries, school supplies, candy and other fun things. There are many different opportunities for giving (particularly around the holidays) from Toys For Tots, to “Adopt A Family” programs, to sponsoring a child in a foreign country. Charitable programs involving needy children are more engaging for kids because they can relate to the child. Whatever type of charity you choose, talk about it with your kids. Explain how not everyone has toys and new clothes and enough to eat. Involve them in buying the gift or collecting and sending the money.

Kids also need to learn to DO things for the benefit of others. Even something as simple as sweeping the kitchen floor or vacuuming is an act of service, because the whole family benefits from a clean house. As children get older, you can involve them in other types of service: raking leaves for an elderly neighbor, serving a meal at the local soup kitchen, or a random act of kindness. These types of activities teach kids empathy and help them to see that the world does not revolve around them. They also learn to appreciate the time and effort it takes when someone does something for them.

2. Gratitude
Teaching kids to be generous and service-oriented will help them learn to be grateful. Additionally, it is ok to tell your kids “no” when they want something. Those frequent treats can be taken for granted, and children who always get what they want when they want it do not learn to appreciate and be grateful for what they have. When my daughter asks for something that she doesn’t need, I often tell her to put it on her Christmas/ Birthday wish list (or to save her own money). This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever buy her treats “just because,” but when I do, she appreciates it much more. Also, I try to always have my daughter write “thank you” notes for gifts she receives (we are far from perfect in this area.)

3. Kindness & Respect
This has been a tricky one for us as my daughter has entered middle school. It seems that every day brings fresh drama and new nastiness from kids at school. I always tell my daughter that she does not have to like everyone or be friends with everyone, but she ought to be respectful and kind to everyone. Little children need to be reminded to use “kind words” when speaking to others. Kids of all ages should be taught the importance of good manners, whether it is “please and thank you,” opening the door for someone, giving up a seat, or a random act of kindness.

4. Responsibility
Kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves and their choices. Responsibility means having daily/ weekly expectations and chores. Of course, being responsible at age three and being responsible at age sixteen look very different, but all children need to have some expectation of responsibility. Another important piece is teaching your child to be responsible for their actions. Children need to learn that their choices have consequences—both positive and negative. My husband and I don’t allow our children to make excuses for poor decisions or bad behavior. We talk about the choice they made, the resulting consequences, and what they could have done differently (if need be).

5. Hard Work & Diligence
Make your kids earn and spend their own money. My daughter’s allowance is based upon the successful completion of her daily/ weekly chores. She has the opportunity to earn money (or not) and then may spend it how she pleases (within reason). In this way she is learning the importance of work and the value of money. We buy all her necessities, but if she wants extra things, she must save her money and buy it herself. Similarly, don’t automatically rescue your child from failure and struggle. It is good for kids to struggle with age and ability-appropriate tasks, from homework to sports to household tasks to finding a misplaced toy.

6. Patience 
In our modern culture of high speed and instant gratification, it is difficult to teach children to be patient. All too often kids want to give up if something does not come easily or quickly. As apparent, you do not need to respond to your child’s every request the moment they ask. Children can, and should, learn to wait until mom and dad are off the phone, out of the bathroom, done talking, finished eating, etc. before having their need met. The next time your child requests something while you are busy with something else, calmly explain that you are in the middle of something and they need to wait until you are finished (use discretion).  Another way to teach patience is to simply slow down. Our schedules are full, our minds are racing. Moving at this frenetic pace is not always healthy. Try eliminating some busyness from yours and your child’s schedule and replace it with a family game night or daily quiet time. Have your kids “unplug” and turn off the TV, video games, or other electronics in favor of playing outside, reading a book, or doing a craft. Encourage your children to have hobbies that develop patience and delayed gratification like baking, sewing, building models, collecting items, or making crafts. These types of hobbies will also teach life skills and develop attention span.

7. Honesty
This virtue is difficult to teach but, I think, extremely important. It is important to differentiate between making a poor choice (disobeying, not completing a chore, late homework) and lying to cover up that poor choice. Children certainly need consequences for misbehavior, but they should have additional consequences of greater severity for being dishonest. If you discover your child has been dishonest, give them an opportunity to come clean and receive a lesser penalty. Likewise, if your child is honest about something praise them or reward them if appropriate. For older children and teenagers, explain to them that trust and freedom go hand in hand. If my daughter is dishonest, she always receives a harsher consequence, usually in the form of lost privileges. If she is consistently honest and trustworthy I thank her for being honest and extend her privileges. I always explain that she has earned additional freedom by being trustworthy.

For each of these character traits, and any others you wish to help your children develop, the most important part is to model them yourself. Your children will not learn to be generous or compassionate unless they see you giving to others and demonstrating compassion and kindness. They will not learn to be patient if you do not show them how by being patient yourself. They certainly will not learn to be honest if they witness you telling “little white lies.” You can’t tell your children, “Do as I say, not as I do,” and expect positive results.

Three Reasons to Support School Dress Codes

With all the recent controversy surrounding school dress codes and the rights of students—particularly teenage girls—to dress how they want, I felt the need to sound-off on the subject myself. My opinion is based on good old fashioned common sense and a little wisdom gleaned from my experiences as a woman, a teacher, and a mother, as well as evidence from recent psychological and sociological studies. 

Let me first start by defining dress code. A dress code is an expectation of dress applied to all students in all situations. Violations of this dress code have a known and consistent set of consequences. For example, at my daughters’ junior high school, students are expected to wear shorts and skirts no shorter than six inches above the knee. Pants of both boys and girls are to be worn at the waist/ hips (rather than sagging). Shirts must not have any inappropriate, obscene or offensive images or language (this can be a gray area, but generally is understood by most students). Shirts and dresses must have straps a minimum of two finger-widths. Clothing may not be see-through. Students may not wear pajamas to school, and may not have visible undergarments. Hats and sunglasses may not be worn in the building. I believe this is a very reasonable, and fairly standard, dress code.

1. School dress codes teach students that there is a time and a place for different types of dress.

This is perhaps the number one argument for a school dress code. I recently saw a young woman wearing a bikini in the grocery store. Customers stopped to stare at her, and a few snapped pictures on their cell phones. Store management asked the young lady to leave the store and come back when she had put on some more clothing. This was not discriminatory, as the store has a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy and a man dressed in similar beachwear would have been asked to put on a shirt or leave as well. The young lady, while perfectly attired for the beach or the pool, where she would not have created any sensation at all, was shockingly underdressed for most other public places. 

Similarly, a man or woman working in an office is expected to dress professionally. I have worked in several office settings and have seen my co-workers addressed for failing to meet standards of professional dress. Some were dressed too casually, in a t-shirt and jeans, some were dressed too provocatively, in skin tight pants with a visible thong and low-cut blouse. Both of these examples may have been perfectly appropriate at home or for a night out on the town, but were grossly inappropriate in a professional environment.
Why should our schools be any different? Students need to learn that there are societal expectations for appropriate dress, language, and behavior in different situations. What one wears to sleep in, one does not wear to a job interview. What one might wear to the beach is inappropriate in a classroom. The job of schools is to prepare students to live and work in the real world. Schools ought not to be simply a social club, but rather a setting for intense academics, and intellectual and social development. Teenagers ought to see themselves, and be treated as, professional students. School is their job. They are investing in their futures, so that one day they will be prepared for college and/ or the work place—learning appropriate dress is a vital part of that preparation.

2. School dress codes help to reduce distractions in the classroom.

As a junior high and high school teacher, I can tell you that teachers and students are fighting a never ending battle against distractions both in and out of the classroom. Students are distracted by their peers and their peers’ clothing. Adolescents are worried about their own appearance and are constantly comparing themselves to others. Teachers have to compete with cell phones, iPods, raging hormones, personal drama, and sleepy and hungry kids, among other things. When students are allowed to wear clothing that is offensive or distracting, the problem is amplified.
Distracting and inappropriate clothing may even contribute to discipline issues. In her blog post, “Dress Code Or Not, What You Wear Matters,” Eva Rykrsmith cites a study from the Evolution and Human Behavior Journal. In this study, behavior at a roller rink was observed on both nights with a strict dress code and nights without. The study noted that on nights with a strict dress code there were less accidents and less noise. The scientists concluded that individuals change their behavior in accordance with their clothing. http://quickbase.intuit.com/blog/2012/05/23/dress-code-or-not-what-you-wear-matters/
Like it or not, boys are distracted by the dress of their female classmates. This has nothing to do with males not respecting females, as has been the popular accusation. The biological reality is that teenage boys are attracted to the opposite sex and are preoccupied with sexuality. It is also a well-known biological fact that men are visual creatures.
Girls can also be distracted by their provocatively dressed peers. I have been one of those girls, and my 7th grade daughter is one of those girls. Women and girls dress as much for each other as they do for themselves and boys/ men. Even as a teacher, it can be difficult to not be distracted by how some of my students are dressed. The same holds true for young men who choose to sag their pants, or anyone who wears an obscene or offensive t-shirt. All of these things are distracting from the true purpose of school—learning—not self-expression, not popularity, not anything else.

3. School dress codes help both boys and girls to respect themselves and each other.

One of the most prominent arguments against school dress codes is that it unfairly targets girls and denies them self-expression, or teaches them to be ashamed of their bodies. I disagree 100%!
First, while some dress codes may be unevenly applied, that is not a reason to discount the dress code itself. Dress codes ought to be re-written to apply to both genders and ought to be applied objectively and consistently. The dress code at my daughter’s school does just that. It does not discriminate based on gender and it is evenly and consistently applied.
Second, while self-expression is important, there is a time and a place. Teenagers need to learn that. So much of their world, from celebrities to social media has become about the glorification of the self. They are inundated with images of Miley Cyrus twerking and flouting conventions left and right, celebrity nude photo leaks and the open book that is social media. Teenagers often are confused about what is in fact appropriate. They struggle with setting, maintaining, and respecting boundaries. They need to learn that the real world is not like Hollywood or Facebook or Instagram. In the real world, few people care how wonderful you think you are or even, sadly, about your opinion on real issues. In the real world, there are consequences to baring it all metaphorically or in actuality.
Third, dress codes do not teach girls to be ashamed of their bodies. They teach girls that their bodies are their property and ought to be respected and revered. I believe that allowing young women to dress provocatively exacerbates existing gender inequality and creates self-esteem issues. Many girls do not dress provocatively for a variety of reasons. Perhaps their parents do not allow them to dress provocatively, maybe they lack the body confidence to flaunt themselves, or possibly they simply do not want to. Young women often feel a tremendous amount of pressure to fit in with their peers and to gain attention from boys. They may feel pressured to dress a certain way to fit the norms of dress established by their peers. This pressure may cause girls to disobey their parents, compromise their own standards, or to feel ashamed of their body because how they look in a skimpy skirt is very different from how some of their peers look in skimpy skirts.
Particularly during adolescence, the type of clothing an individual wears has a definite effect on self-esteem and perceptions of self. According to another study cited by Rykrsmith, how an individual dresses may also affect their performance. The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology measured student performance while wearing the same white coat. Half of the students were told it was a doctor’s coat, and half were told it was a painter’s coat. The half that believed they were wearing a doctor’s coat showed higher levels of attention than those who believed they were wearing a painter’s coat. http://quickbase.intuit.com/blog/2012/05/23/dress-code-or-not-what-you-wear-matters/
As far as gender equality and respect, allowing young women to display themselves like merchandise in the hallowed halls of a school building only reinforces the misconceptions that many may already have—that young women are not in school to learn, but to find a boyfriend or get attention. How are we to teach young men to respect young women when they are being bombarded with these types of mixed messages? While I certainly do not condone the objectification of their female classmates nor do I think clothing alone is the reason for this, it is an aspect of this ugly reality. 

Reasonable and fair dress codes are an essential aspect of a productive school environment. A study published by Jimmy Creel and Angela Stallings of Sam Houston State University’s Center for Research and Doctoral Studies in Educational Leadership attempted to measure the effects of a school dress code on student achievement. While Creel and Stallings concluded that the dress code did not have an immediate significant impact on student achievement, Stallings did note that, "It is possible, based on our findings, that the benefits of a standardized dress code implemented and maintained over time may very well have a positive effect on student achievement.” Furthermore, Creel stated that there were other benefits, such as, "improved campus morale and reduced discipline violations, increased school pride, improved collaboration and teamwork among students . . . [and] enhanced image of students and the school in the community, minimization of the effects of economic variations among students, and reduction in the overall cost of student wardrobes." http://www.shsu.edu/~pin_www/T@S/2001/DressCode.html